I had a particularly stinging disappoint, nay rejection, this week that bruised my ego like a truck's wheel over a tomato. The worst of it was that this rejection was not even on my radar. I was so certain of a successful outcome that I had ceased to worry about it even. That'll show me. Needless to say, I have been hitting the meditation videos and inspirational cards hardcore these past few days to get over it. And it has helped, dulled the sting and I imagine maybe sometime in the near future, I might even forget about it. I hate the ways these things cycle back into your consciousness when you think you have moved past them. I went to the gym and stairmasted, swimmed and sweated my way into oblivion. That also helped. Exercise as mediation. The lesson I take away from this particular rejection is to be humble, is to truly believe that I am not seeking outside approval for what I know to be true. I can either listen to my heart or I can listen to the world.
I remember watching Marian Williamson give a talk in Los Angeles in 2008 and she was talking about her eternal search for inner peace. After waiting a long time to see one particular guru, she asked him for his answer and he said, "Meditate, meditate, meditate." The point being that until we quiet the mind, we will be anxious. Spiritual peace is not a logical quest no matter from what tradition you approach it and yet, it seems to be a necessary one to retain our equilibrium as we slalom through life.
So prayer, meditation, mental rest is the answer. I believe this, I know this, and yet I only dance around it. But I am trying. I am practicing.
In the morning, I have been meditating by listening to or watching various guided meditations online. I did a guided chakra meditation this morning which I really enjoyed. I like to imagine the lighting up of my chakras, envisioning myself bathed in golden light with my Hora line extending from the heavens through my body deep into the earth. I have been working on the tapping, which no longer makes me quite so queasy. Also there are fantastic meditation videos on line via Youtube. I love this zen video here.
Another issue, I have been struggling with is night time relaxation. I am trying to focus on the present moment and be in the world, keep myself pure and open to the best of life's experiences. To that end, I am trying to avoid ending my day by drinking alcohol or over eating food. I am by nature a hedonist, and moderation is not a skill I have yet to develop. So, I prefer to refrain rather than moderate. But I so look forward to relaxing at the end of the day in some way. I am looking to create an evening ritual that is joyous and relaxing and differentiates from whatever goes on during the day.
I found this list online of what to do to unwind without drugs or alcohol. Dance, yoga, mediation, music were suggestions that resonated with me. (Back to meditation again.) Its like the newage version of the Christian phrase, "Put it in the hands of the Lord." What was really bugging me about the Lord's hand this week was how it did not bend to my will, and my careful planning, and hard work, I might add, seemed to have no effect.
Last night, my little boy was having a waking nightmare and couldn't sleep. He couldn't get an image of an evil mouse that kept growing larger and larger out of his mind. It reminded me of how vibrant nightmares are in children and how frightening they are. It's like their visual manifestations of our anxiety. We worry about what we think are real problems, they imagine being attacked by monsters from under the bed, or a giant growing mouse. His description sounded like the rat king from The Nutcracker. But both anxieties, adults and child's, are unreal in the sense that if we are not fighting the mouse with a sword in this realm right now, no point in pretending that we are, of living in the anxiety of that fight when actually something very different is going on.
We actually had the sweetest loveliest talk about it and then I suggested we do something I absolutely hate doing to take our minds off his worry which was to do a giant 100 piece dinosaur puzzle. We worked on it for a while and then his mouse went away and he was able to go to bed but we stayed up a little longer because I couldn't let the fucking puzzle go, I had to finish it which I did minus the two pieces we had lost. It is a good meditation techique puzzles, I still dont like them but its easier than zen meditation I think.
Anyway, send me your suggestions on how to relax joyously without drugs or alcohol at the end of a long day and I'll send you mine.
An hours yoga never fails to do it for me... Then there are of course the lazy options I presume you are trying to avoid such as watching tv... Dancing is probably my preferred unwinding technique but can be hard to do unless you are taking a class - if I had the time and money I would do dance classes every day of the week, classes that focus on body awareness as opposed to virtuoso contemporary dance moves. There is a thing called 'body weather" i have particualrly enjoyed. Check it out x
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